My Spiritual Journey...

Hello, my name is Seyna (Say-nah) and I would like to tell you about my journey into my spiritual essence. I am sensitive or intuitive like a lot of you may be or are. You use your gift to help others and make a living for yourself. I just tapped into my power probably around covid 2020-2022 when I started seeing a spiritual advisor to help me open to my gift. I also knew I could see and feel spirits but as a young child I was scared, and I used to cry a lot. Since my grandma Kasie passed away in 2017, and she came to me in a dream I knew I needed to open more. But let me start from the beginning when I first saw a spirit.

        I was about 7 years old when I first saw a spirit that I can remember. It was the night before my first communion. I was raised Catholic. My parents let me sleep in their bed that night and I was trying to fall asleep and kept tossing and turning. I knew I was going to see something because I would hear talks from my parents and grandma that I may have an experience. My older sister already had her communion, and she saw something the night before her communion so it was guaranteed that I would too. Well, I did! I saw a male figure; I could not see a face and all I saw was a trench coat and a hat. It scared me so much that I hid under the covers, and it seemed like forever that I finally got the courage to look to see if he was still there and when I did, he was not. All I could think was thank God!! My heart was pounding in my chest and I just wanted to go to sleep and finally I did.  That is the first time I remember seeing a spirit. We lived in Hawaii at the time, and it was 1987 and I was terrified but after that I had other encounters that I can remember so clearly to this day.

         I was around the same age I believe or maybe even a bit younger not exactly sure but I remember I use to cry so hard out of nowhere in front of the TV that was off and my sister, brother and parents try to console me to get me to stop crying at these times (it happened I believe a couple times) and the only person who could get me to stop was my grandma who lived with us at the time. My dad’s mom. She was the only one that could get me to stop crying. She was the only one I wanted when this happened. I remember my sister running to get her to tell her I was crying in front of the TV again. All I would say is why doesn’t he love me?? Why doesn’t he want to get to know me?? And she would be like who papoose? Who? I said grandpa! Why doesn’t grandpa want to get to know me? Back story, my grandma Kasie (dad’s mom who found out years later that Kasie is not even her real name! but that is another story) was married too and remained until the day she died to my grandfather Nadim (dads dad). She gave birth to 3 boys and the oldest being my dad. Well from what I was told from stories is that my grandfather was not a nice man. He was a narcissist and had multiple wives (but this is not surprising due to his religion and upbringing at that time). According to my grandma, she left him because he hit her and due to religion reasons. My grandma wanted to raise her kids catholic, and he wanted them raised Islamic. My grandma was a strong woman. So, he left, and my dad and brothers never saw him again. My dad was probably just a toddler (5-6 years old). Anyways, back to why I was crying and crying about a person I never met and only heard stories and not good ones. Wondering why he did not want to get to know me or love me? Why? Why? My grandma would get kind of irritated that I was crying over someone that should mean nothing to me. She would say “Seyna Papoose you don’t need to cry over him he isn’t important.” She would get me to calm down and then I would be ok. Years later I wondered why did I do that? Why always in front of a turned off TV in the living room? I did tell this to my spiritual advisor and got that my grandfather was trying to speak to me through the tv. The TV is significant because spirits can transmute through electricity even if the TV is off.  We did not know when he died just heard rumors but it was sometime in the 80s. Then she proceeded to tell me that I was crying out my father’s inner child pain at that time and it was not mine, it was my father’s. I said wow well I can see how his inner child would want to know the answers to those questions. My dad does not speak much about his father. He never really expressed any pain or sadness about his father not being there. All he knew at a young age is that he had to step up and be the male role model for his siblings and help his mom and that is what he did to the best to his abilities.

          When I was a kid, I used to cry all the time!! Every little thing would make me cry. My parents never knew why, and I could not tell them because I did not know why either, it was always just a scary feeling I would get and I would cry, that is the only way I knew how to express myself. My siblings would call me crybaby and that would hurt my feelings because yes, I would cry because I hurt myself playing but most of the time, I had no clue it was all a feeling that as a little kid was hard to express. My parents would just say I was too sensitive. My grandma knew I could see and feel things that were bothering me so she was my go-to person, but she would just console me. Back in the 80s it just was not something you talked about “spirituality”. You seemed different, weird, and crazy. Typical stereotypes just like we have them today. My grandma was spiritual and religious. She heard, felt, and saw spirits. The whole deal had me shook as a kid. I just wanted to be a normal kid, but I had a feeling from a young age that I was not going to be. I tried my hardest to be. I grew out of my crying phase but I would still get woken up in the middle of the night not knowing why or feeling like someone was by me or holding me down where I could not move. I thought that was normal, even though I woke up and stayed still until the feeling passed then I could breathe again. This happened not every night but often than we moved from Hawaii to South Dakota (talk about culture shock) and I would subpress those intuitive feelings because it still was so scary to me. They would still wake me up at witching hour what most like to call it 2 or 3 am and I must get up soon to get ready for school. I was so exhausted all the time. I slept a lot as a teen. I think my parents passed it off as growing pains and I am sure that was some of it. What they did not know until I was much older, is that I was not sleeping throughout the night. I remember sneaking upstairs in the middle of the night to take Benadryl or this nighttime allergy medicine because it would knock me out all night. My mom noticed me sneaking upstairs to take the allergy meds but she knew I did not need them so she stopped buying them and then I did not tell her why I took them. I was such a shy quiet girl all my life. I never felt that however I could be fully myself with anyone. I did have many fun times. My childhood was amazing, my parents are amazing and my siblings are good siblings. I am the middle child, and I have an older sister and younger brother.  We got along like siblings do; it is all love between us. With me I stayed to myself. I am a true introvert. I had my friends and still have a few in my life that I knew from school days. I remember one would ask why you always tired and sleeping, especially on weekends when she wanted to do stuff. I would say I do not know I just am. She would ask all the time. I just tell her I am exhausted I just want to sleep. I did give in a lot of times and go out with friends because I did not want to miss out on things but I never told them the real reason why I was so exhausted all the time, because I was not sleeping. Spirits woke me often and a lot of times I would have full blown panic attacks, could not breathe and excessively crying. I was not loud about it because I did not want to wake up anyone, so I would calm myself down. But it was awful during those times because I would hear pretty much a couple days later something happening to someone I knew and I would hear the story not think much of it. It took me awhile to figure out that I have these panic attacks then I hear something happen to someone I am familiar with. I hated it. I would curse at God telling him why you do this to me and you do not tell me why? Or who? Because my first thought when I get these feelings is that it is my family. I would go upstairs and listen at my parents’ door I do not know how many times to hear them breathing. If they were sound asleep, I would go in and make sure I saw their chest raise up and down. I would do the same with my siblings. All my life I have this paralyzing fear of death and my parents dying. I think fearing death is normal to most but it gave me so much anxiety and crippling fear. There are times I would call friends and tell to stay inside do not go out and they would ask why and I would say I just have a feeling. Most of the time they listened, I think one did not listen and she ended up getting arrested I believe and she told me what happened and she goes “Seyna I am listening to you for now on” 😊. When my friend was murdered in 2012 and I did get the panic attack a couple nights before and I could not tell if it was for me or who it was for. I did not know how to use my gift at that time. I saw it more as a curse than a gift but I felt horrible when I found out she was murdered a couple days after and I could not help. I could not do anything because I did not know! My gift gave me all the signs but I did not know how to interpret it at all. I was so mad! I finally said to God you know what I do not want this anymore! Take it back. I hate it! It has not helped me at all! I was so mad. I pretty much cursed it and pushed it out my life. It took all my energy literally; I was exhausted all the time. I did not listen it when I noticed it, I just shoved it away. My life was on a hamster wheel that I had no idea I was on. Then in 2016, I heard this voice tell me to call my friend and I kept thinking ok.....(Stay tuned for more in my next blog)